Cases in Stupidity

Sometimes I am blown away by some of the people I know, and not in a good way...

Case in point #1:

We have some friends, well more like aquaintences, in our ward (a Mormon Congregation). Last week their kids were really sick, and we went over one night to baby sit while they took one child to the ER. On Sunday my DH asked the father of the child how the child was doing. He said, "Oh better, but we took the kids to McD's for lunch and the child threw up after eating. We just don't understand why our kids stay sick." Earlier in the week I had read on their blog how they kept feeding this sick child cheetos and candy, "because, at least it was something."

To say I'm baffled at this is an understatment. More than anything, however, it saddens me to see their children fed a constant diet of junk, trans-fats, toxic fast-food and sugar. I know why these poor kids are not getting better -- it's their poor diet!! It's unfortunate that their college educated parents can't seem to get that old addage, "garbage in, garbage out." The body needs good nutrition to function.

Case in point #2

One of my young cousins was married last year. He is 22 years old, his child bride is barely 20 and now with child (gotta love the Mormon way of gettin' it done!!). While talking with my mom about family matters the other day, she mentioned that Cousin-boy looked like a deer in the headlights when it comes to his impending fatherhood. Mom remarked that he just didn't seem to get how it happened. Am I really related to people this stupid? Here is a clue when you have sex without birth control, barring any complications you will be a parent. I don't get how people can be so stupid.

One thing that I have learned from the trial of infertility is that children are a gift and deserve all the best the adults in their lives can give them. To me this means understanding how the body works and how to take care of it.

Talking me off the Ledge

After I wrote the post yesterday, I felt better, but I was still sad and upset. I decided I needed to say a prayer so I did right there in my bathroom. I just asked for two things. One, that someone I loved would feel prompted to call me and talk with me because I needed a friend (if you started humming the Golden Girls theme song give yourself a nickel!) and two, that my body would work properly and that AF would come for her week. I must also note that when I am really upset like this my nose bleeds as well, so half way thru the my prayer I had to stick a kleenex in my schnoz, oh what a picutre of grace and decorum I have become. It's a good thing that the Lord loves us all unconditionally -- because I have issues.

I also walk everyday and so I left in the late morning for about an hour. When I came back there was a message on my phone from A, my old VT partner who lives in Texas. Just hearing her voice was enough to to know my prayer had been heard. I called back and left a message and then went to the library for a looooonnnnnggggg time. After loosing myself in the reading room and amid stacks of magazines I would never buy myself, she called as I was on the way out to my car. I sat in my car for about an hour and we talked, and talked and talked. It was good to get it all out, and to be understood. But most importantly to feel and know that I am loved.

Later last night I was on the couch zoning out to the melodious tones on my boob-tube. Survivor was on, and I will say that it's one of my favorite shows, in fact I've seen it all from the beginning, so I don't answer the phone when it's on. But ring the phone did. I let the machine get it, but upon hearing my cousin's voice I bounced over the back of the couch and grabbed the call. For her I will break with my show. I went upstairs to talk and agian, we talked and talked and talked. Again it was good to feel and know that I am loved and that my prayer was answered.

AS for point two of my prayer I think that's going ok as well. This morning I have had the most lovely cramps, and yes I mean that seriously. I think the old bod is on track at this point in time.

I think I'm off the ledge for now.

Prognosis Negative

I wrote yesterday (2.27) on my everyday blog that I was having one of "those days". I suppose I should have explained further about that "those days" are, but I just couldn't quite get it out of me.

So, we are ttc again. Friday my period should start or not depending on my state of being pregnant or not. It's been a hellish month to say the least. So, yesterday when there was blood coming out of me, time stopped. I just wasn't prepared to see that, to deal with it and I certinaly was not prepared for the tidal wave of emtions that SMACKED me right there on the throne.

I know some of my readers have had serious problmes even getting pregnant. I don't know if they think I'm a wimp because I wasn't pregnant on my first time out or what, by like my tag line says, I have no problem getting pregnant it's the staying pregnant that gets me. And I am totally prepared and ready to handle a preganacy loss if that were to occur....been there done that. The not getting pregnant part honestly scares me more at this point than loosing a pregnancy.

I also have the fear that the same problem that I had 18 months ago when my period stopped completely is back, or never went away and was only being masked by the bcp I was on. If this is the case it opens up a whole new realm of possibilites, treatments, options, drugs and will give me an unlimited pass on the emotional tilt-a-whirl -- oh fun! I don't know what to think, or if I'm ready or willing to go down that route. It seems I am at a crossroads of sorts. I know that thru the grace and mercy of God I have been able to weather trials I thought impossible, but now that some unknown trial possibly awaits me I'm not so sure about the ride.

Of course after the inital spotting yesterday, I have not bled since. I thought, well maybe this is implantation bleeding and that gave me a bit of hope. I took a hpt this morning and it came back a resounding negative. (I want to start saying "PROGNOSIS NEGATIVE" now, just like that one Seinfeld episode.)

So back to yesterday. When I saw that blood, things just sort of shut down. I tried to go about my day and I was trying to hard to be cheerful. My husband kept calling me too, with some really great, and much needed good news for and about his job. I felt like I just could not rain on his parade, but there I was sitting on the phone, with the receiver covered crying because I couldn't be as happy as I wanted to be for him. I needed to tell someone so very badly. Finally he asked me if I was alright. I let out a very wimpy no, and then a tidal wave of tears and blibbberish came spilling out. The Hoover Dam has NOTHING on me!

It was about this time I realized that I had a visiting teaching appointment in the afternoon. The message this month is about familes. The sister we were supposed to teach is also 6 months pregnant. I have a really hard time keeping a strait face or even going over to her house during this pregnancy. The last time she was pregnant I had my miscarriages as well. I love her to death, but I'm just having a hard time getting over her ever growing belly. I knew with the emotional state I was in that I could not go to the appointment and keep it together.

Now in times past I had an excellent partner who understood when I was having troubles. My old partner had been thru IF hell herself, she gets it, she got it, but she's in Texas these days. My current partner I've had for one month. I know nothing about her, and I don't have any sort of trust with her built to where I could just call and say, "Um, today is not going to work for me...." So I did what I'm so good at...I bailed on her. I just left a very quick semi-coherent message on her work voice mail about an emergency and bla, bla, bla. I don't even know if she got it. We have another appointment today, which I think I'm going totally blow off too. Again, not in the mood, but more than that, I feel like right now I have just enough whatever holding me in the realm of sanity, and even thant's not working very well. The thought of putting on my party face and trying to ge thru something makes me feel even more anxious that normal.

This brings me to the whole subject of pregnant ladies. The sister who I VT has never had any pregnancy problems, she just has babies. Deep down inside of me, part of me hates her for it. That deep dark part wants every woman to suffer, to loose, to have difficulty conceiving, just so they know how the IFs feel. I realize this is totally un-Christlike and the devil side of the mini-wheat talking. I don't know if what I do, running away from the situation, helps me or hurts me. The funny thing is that one of my good IF-blog friends just had a sucessful IVF and is now expecting triplets. I could not be more happy for her, because she knows heartache and pain, she knows what it's like to have the fuzzy end of the lollypop time and time again. If I were her VT, I would be over there in a flash to share the joy. I just can't with this girl. And I hate myself for it. I also want to talk to the RSP about having a break from VT for a while, but I don't know how to express my needs without coming off as a total boob. Again, the self-loathing is ever present because of this as well.

So, "those days" seem to be here again. I need to remember how to cope and deal with my emotions again. I need to figure out how to put on that party face when I don't really feel like being at the party so I can do the things I am expected to do.

What Are You Reading?

My mom and I were talking recently. She asked if I'd read any good books lately. Hmmmm, how to answer that?

"Yes, I've been reading Your Pregnancy Week, by Week" No.

"I've been reading some essays by So-and-so. They're very good."

Bullet dodged. If I had told the truth I'd been dealing with a boatload of questions I'm not ready for. And it wasn't really a lie, I have been reading the essays and they are very good, but I've also bee reading the other book.

I'll say this as well, Your Pregnancy Week by Week is FAR superior to What to Expect When You're Expecting as the title would indicate it breaks down everything on a weekly basis, as opposed to a monthly basis. I'm finding as well, it's also contains MUCH more information that What to Expect. And as a bonus the new 6th edition was just released in Jan 2008, and was a very good price on Barnes & Noble.com.

In the end, I am not currently pregnant, but I don't think it's a bad idea to prepare, seeing as my last pregnancy was 2 years ago, and I've forgotten or blocked out most of that experience.

Playing Without a Goalie

Where do I go when I cannot verbalize all of the fear I am feeling? My blog, of course!

So, I've been off the pill now for a few weeks. My good blog friend Aunt Sassy calls it playing w/o a goalie. However, I miss the goalie. There was something about knowing that I was not getting pregnant that was very comforting. Now that, that is not there, I find myself playing "worst case scenario" with myself. (It's something I am very good at too.)

The last few days I've felt that no matter what happens to me, I am going to have another miscarriage. I just don't want that. I don't want to be sick, and sad and on the emotional edge anymore. I know if I do have a miscarriage, I'll be fine, and I'll get thru it, I have already twice before.

And I feel like I want to ask a few people in my personal circle to say a prayer for me, but I can't even do that with out bursting into tears. So, I'll ask those of you who read this, while I'm working on my courage to talk about my fears with the people in my life, to say a little prayer for me.

Why Adoption?

In the January 2008 Ensign, which is a magazine produced by the LDS (Mormon) Church, there was an interesting article about adoption. You can read it here.

I have had many friends ask me, "Why don't you just adopt?" Well, it's just not that easy to 'just adopt', although it remains an option if I have another miscarriage, or getting a dog, sometimes the dog idea wins :) . One of my best friends has adopted thru LDS Family Services, and then thru the state in which we live. Both agencies have their issues, and decideding which would be the lesser of two evils is a hard one. Adoption also takes a lot of temporal preparation on the part of the family, and then there is the waiting game, which with LDS Family Services can be along time.

In the article, however, there was some interesting information on adoption and unwed parents. Also just having gone to see the movie J.uno last week (which I will write about soon), this whole topic has been brought to the front of my mind.

According to the article 30 years ago, most unwed mothers either married the father and tried to make it, or gave the baby up for adoption. Now that has changed. Most unwed mothers keep the baby or have an abortion. Only 1% of babies born to unwed mothers in the US are given up for adoption. This makes my heart break.

My first year as a school teacher, 8 of my students become pregnant. Beging a new person in that very small town and totally green as to the extra cirricular activites of most teenagers, I was in the nurse's office quite a lot making sure there was nothing in the water. However, as I observed these girls, their fantasies of "having a baby" or "being a mommy" grew, and it made me a little sick. All of them, especially the 4 who were 14 years old, were very under and unprepared to take on the task of raising a child. At this time I was unaware of the problems I would have in trying to have a child, but nonetheless I wished they would have all considered adoption. Sadly, none of them did.

The article has some other really good points, I suggest reading it and sharing it with others if you feel the need.

Boldly Going to...Infinity and Beyond

I took my last active birth control pill last night. This week is the sugar pill week, then a period, then we are live and ready........to concieve.

How do I feel about this? It's too much to try and describe with words, needless to say, it's a whirlwind of emotions and feelings.

I am anxious about pregnancy, not about parenting, but I'm sure if I ever get past the first trimester of a pregnancy, parenting anxiety will set in. Lately, I've been wishing having a baby was as easy as the stork dropping by, but alas, this is the real world and it is not.

I know, I've also gone thru periods of, as my good IF blog friend Aunt Sassy calls it, "The OhHELLnos" about children. I've had those periods where I have been perfectly fine and dandy with my barren womb, childless state and cringe at the thought of children. I think these feeling are totally normal, and I'd say you weren't normal if you didn't have them once in a while...even if you do have working equipment.

So yesterday, I told my husband, this is it, I'm off the pill, just so you know. If I come to you on a Monday night needing "special attention" please know that it's for a good cause. He said, "Yep, I'm ok with this." Of course, he's a guy.

So here we go, hopefully to where my womb has never gone before....a full term pregnancy. To infinity and beyond, seems quite appropriate at this point too.